Very Special Special Notices

As a technical writer, you know it's important to warn consumers of the likely problems and dangers associated with the products they use. Here are some instances where some untrained individual was trying ever so hard:

Notice text and description Comments
On table assembly instructions: It is best to be two people when assembling this table. Send in your come-back. Best one wins an electronic Jolly Rancher, flavor of your choice. Current leader:

Sorry, my clone is still in the oven..
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. The shoplifter special?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." And that would be how???....
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." But, it's "just" a suggestion.
On Tesco's tiramisu dessert printed on bottom: "Do not turn upside down." Well...duh, a bit late, huh!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." ...and you thought????...
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." But wouldn't this save me more time?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." And...I'm taking this because???....
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." As opposed to...what?
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." Talk about a news flash
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." Step 3: maybe, Delta?
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." Oh my God ...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?

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