The Very Large Array (VLA) radio astronomy observatory located near Socorro, New Mexico.
| This is a work in progress: lots of writing, formatting, revising, proofing left to do! — David McMurrey |
Another stylistic problem that occurs in business, government, technical, and scientific writing involves weak coordination. In writing, "coordination" means joining things together with a coordinating cojunction—specifically, and, or, nor, but, yet, and for. Using these words to join things at the word and phrase level works just fine, but things change at the independent-clause level.
Most often, weak coordination involves the use of and to join to independent clauses when subordination of one of those clauses would create a stronger sentence. The following sections give you some practice converting sentences containing weak coordination to stronger sentences containing subordinated elements.
If you need a review, see the link to the section on coordination and subordination at the end of this chapter.
Now, work through he following examples of weak coordination and determine what sort of subordination works best to make the conections beween the elements clearer. Cover up the revision as you go through these examples; see how your revisions compare to the ones here.
Weak coordination: The author evaluates the the status of SETI, and he considers whether it is a serious scientific enterprise.
Revision with subordination: The author evaluates the the status of SETI as a serious scientific enterprise.
Notice how the big clunky independent clause in the original can be reduced to a nice succinct phrase.
Weak coordination: I spoke with you on the phone yesterday, and you informed me that the manufacturer put the drive on backorder before I placed my order online.
Revision with subordination: When I spoke with you on the phone yesterday, you informed me that the manufacturer put the drive on backorder before I placed my order online.
Notice here that it is not always the second clause that is the best choice to subordinate.
Weak coordination: All together my husband and I purchased a total of ten text books, and the only one that was damaged was this text.
Revision with subordination:
Of the total of ten textbooks that my husband and I purchased, only one this one was damaged.
or
All together my husband and I purchased a total of ten text books, only one of which was damaged.
There are almost always muliple ways to revise these weak-coordination sentences. In the first revision, the initial independent clause is subordinated; in the secod revision, the second clause is subordinated.
Weak coordination: The bulk of SETI research is based on studies of radio transmissions, and this research assumes that extraterrestrials need possess nothing beyond the level of communication technology on Earth.
Revision with subordination: The bulk of SETI research is based on studies of radio transmissions, which assume that extraterrestrials need possess nothing beyond the level of communication technology on Earth.
Ah, back to outer space! Here, an independent clause is transformed into a dependent clause. Simple.
Weak coordination: Recent developments in laser technology indicate optical studies are worthy of consideration, and these developments include improvements in the design of equipment to detect potential laser signals.
Revision with subordination: However, recent developments in laser technology——in particular, improvements in the design of equipment to detect potential laser signals——support the view that an optical search is worthy of consideration.
Notice how the independent clause in the original is reduced to an extended phrase and snuggled in after the subject. Sneaky!
Weak coordination: Some conjectures about advanced extraterrestrial civilizations may turn out to be true, and these conjectures involve advanced extraterrestrial civilizations.
Revision with subordination: Although some conjectures about advanced extraterrestrial civilizations may turn out to be true, as yet we have no evidence of these civilizations.
The revision is no shorter than the original, and the logical connections between the two elements is much clearer in the revision. Wait! I'm contaminated! Make that: Although the revision is no shorter than the original, the logical connections between the two elements are much clearer in the revision.
Is that enough? If you are confident with what you've studied so far in this chapter, use the following exercise to test yourself:
If you yourself can intentionally rewrite sentences so that two or more independent clauses are limply connected by coordinating conjunctions, you've mastered this important writing concept. Study how the following perfectly decent sentences have been destroyed by weak coordination:
Preferable subordination: SETI differs from pseudo-science in its adherence to scientific theories and requirement to provide legitimate explanations.
Let's ruin this sentence! Repeat the it differs part in a separate independent clause.
Weak coordination: SETI differs from pseudo-science in its adherence to scientific theories, and it also differs in its requirement to provide legitimate explanations.
Preferable subordination: Initially, SETI adopted the acronym CETI, which meant "communication with extraterrestrial intelligence."
Easy. Just turn that dependent clause into a dumpy, clumsy independent clause.
Weak coordination: Initially, SETI adopted the acronym CETI, and this acronym meant "communication with extraterrestrial intelligence."
Preferable subordination: The word CETI is also the Latin term for a whale, which is an intelligent non-human creature.
Converting dependent clauses to independent clauses is heartbreakingly easy.
Weak coordination: The word CETI is also the Latin term for a whale, and this is an intelligent non-human creature.
Preferable subordination: Since 1960, radio telescopes throughout the world have sought in vain an intelligent extraterrestrial signal.
Now you can really show off your sentence-sabotaging skills. Try changing these simple prepositional phrases into clumsy, bloated independent clauses.
Weak coordination:
Since 1960, radio telescopes throughout the world have sought an intelligent extraterrestrial signal, but this search has been in vain.
or
Radio telescopes throughout the world have sought in vain an intelligent extraterrestrial signal, and this has been since 1960.
Preferable subordination: SETI's lowest point occurred in 1978 when Senator William Proxmire of Wisconsin presented the Golden Fleece Award to NASA's SETI scientists.
Let's add lots of fleece this perfectly decent sentence.
Weak coordination: SETI's lowest point occurred in 1978. This was when Senator William Proxmire of Wisconsin presented the Golden Fleece Award to NASA's SETI scientists.
Preferable subordination: This award, presented with massive media coverage, was devised by the Senator to highlight foolish pursuits that cheat the Government out of taxpayer dollars.
Lots of ways you can ruin this sentence. Try cruelly turning that nice participial phrase into an independent clause.
Weak coordination: This award was presented with massive media coverage, and it was devised by the Senator to highlight foolish pursuits that cheat the Government out of taxpayer dollars.
If you are confident that you can destroy sentences by turning nicely subordinated phrases and clauses into clumsy independent clauses, use this exercise to test yourself.
Links to these exercises are provided at the end of the sections where they are relevant. But here they all are in case you read the text straight through:
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